Wednesday, May 20, 2009


Dear Mom,

The purpose of this letter is to convince you of the benefits of getting me a set of throwing knives.

As you well know, the art of self-defense is a life skill that I feel has been sadly neglected in American culture, and it is of my opinion that only good parents who care for their children’s safety take the responsibility of ensuring their offspring’s ability to defend himself. You are a good mother; this is obvious because you work hard every week to make sure there is time to take me and my brother to martial arts class. In tae kwon do, we are taught how to fight without weapons, but I think that combat with knives is also worthy of attention.

Suppose one day I got lost in the woods, with nothing except my pocket knife to sustain me? How could I get food? The only plant that I know of that is edible is onion grass, and no one can survive by eating just this rancid herb. A pocket knife, though useful in many ways, cannot be used by being thrown at a target, since the handle is much too heavy. It is highly unlikely that I would get close enough to a rabbit or a deer to use the knife effectively, by stabbing the animal.

I understand that the chances of my getting lost in the woods is slim, but it is not impossible. You are no doubt wondering why I am insistent on getting dangerous hunting apparatus. If I must have a weapon, why not get a bow? A bow is undoubtedly easier to come by, and less dangerous to handle.

The reasons I have for getting knives and not a bow are these: throwing knives are functional at a distance and in hand-to-hand combat. Also, the art of throwing knives is a more challenging endeavor than archery. The last and most important reason for choosing knives over a bow is is that the former is more inconspicuous. What if I was kidnapped? My captors would be sure to notice a bow. Throwing knives are small and slender enough to put in my pocket, or even in my boots, so that they would remain hidden from sight if I was captured. Of course, you probably do not like the idea of my using knives on human beings, even if they are criminals. If you get me knives, however, I promise to only use them outside, on targets situated far from children and property. I would not use the knives on living creatures unless I was in a starving condition, and, in the case of a kidnapping, using the weapons would be my last resort. Unless all the self-defense techniques I have acquired in tae kwon do failed to free me, I would never draw a knife upon a human being.

You of all people know how responsible I am with sharp objects; I have a switchblade and a pocket knife, and I frequently use kitchen knives to chop up food. Therefore, I am aware of the dangers of using knives, and it would be improbable that I would accidentally harm myself or anyone else with a sharp weapon. All I ask is for your permission to procure a set of throwing knives; I am perfectly willing to buy them with my own money. If I fail to use them properly, or leave them lying about, you will be authorized to confiscate them, and pass them on into the care of a more responsible person. This I promise you, and I do not break my word.



P.S. – If throwing knives are absolutely out of the question, an archery set will do.

Karate Kid,

Nicely written persuasive paper with few errors in grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Nice job providing examples and arguments supporting your cause. An "A" for effort and execution. Unfortunately, I am not persuaded.



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Natalie said...

Oh My Goodness! Nice try though.

Walter said...

Dear'll shoot your eye out...or Stat Nut's (which will bring into question whether it was accidental or a quick response to his annoying behavior).


Your Uncle

Anonymous said...

It would be because of the latter.



Tonya said...

Love it!

Anonymous said...

"How could I get food? The only plant that I know of that is edible is onion grass, and no one can survive by eating just this rancid herb."

Sounds like you need some biology lessons, not throwing knives! :P