Where's the food?

After years of hard work, I finally earned my BBA (Bachelors by Abandonment). I've completed my last course, an Independent Study class, after a grueling, 18-year curriculum. My research has led to some surprising finds (even without a government grant from HHS):

1) When I get home every night, I'm used to food being on the table. Maurisa always called this "dinner," which I thought was synonymous with "manna from heaven." It seems the ever-present dinner is somehow correlated to her presence.

2) Maurisa always gets a couple of hours of "me time" on Saturday morning. She refers to this variously as "shopping", "grocery shopping" and "dealing with the morons and geriatrics at the commissary then driving home with different morons and geriatrics on the beltway." After three days, I realized that her me time actually had a purpose. I ran out of milk for cereal and cappuccinos and couldn't find the cow to refill the milk jug. I also couldn't find the goat. Fortunately I saw Meet the Parents and figured out that female cats are a terrific source of milk. It doesn't taste exactly like the normal milk we drink and I have a lot of scratches. My guess is that if I wanted to deal with all those lovely people Maurisa hangs with on Saturday I could use a lot less sugar in my morning joe.

3) When you run out of cereal, just crush some Kashi crackers. When you run out of Kashi crackers . . . well, starve.

4) Beds are not self-made. When I travel, I sometimes see the maids; so I know how it gets done. I've never really seen the maid in our house though. My best guess is that she is Argentinean and Maurisa doesn't want me to fall to temptation like Governor Sanford. She's always looking out for my soul -- what a saint.

5) I may go to bed with my head to the East (toward the Holy Land), like all good Catholics. But I wake up facing any of the other 360 degrees on the compass. In a king size bed, there's lots of room.

6) Carpets and wood floors are uncomfortable and don't have the same cushiony feeling that the new floors have.

7) Dirty clothes stay on the floor where you leave them. They don't make it to the hamper by themselves. They don't get washed, dried, folded and put away without the Argentinean maid (who apparently is in Spokane with Maurisa). Doubtless, this has saved me tons of money in water and electricity and I don't mind the smell as much as Maurisa does.

8) The only loud, high-pitch noises I hear are 4-ship F-16 departures with full afterburner at work and the Guess Who turned up to eleven at home.

9) Bedtime for adults is not 10:30 p.m. It's whatever time I say it is. I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself.